"The Ballad of 123scapegoat" by Paul J. Doyle

The Ballad of 123scapegoat

       (A stupid song)

       by Paul J. Doyle

    (A.k.a. 123scapegoat)

(SPOKEN) There once was a witch who cursed a goat

                She gave him an oddity of the throat

               It troubled the little guy to properly bleat

                He thought “Maa-aaa,” but said “BaaBaa”to a beat

                Odds were three to one he’d become a fur coat

(Kick out the jams)

                1 . . . 2 . . . 3

               1-2-3 Scapegoat!

(Brief screaming instrumental)

(SUNG) My bells were a-jingling

                 My spine was a-tingling

                I trotted out to the pasture on the hill

                 Gazing about lookin’ for some cheap thrills

                 There I saw a fine group of lady goats

                 Jingling bells hung ‘round their throats

                 “BaaBaa!” I bleated. “BaaBaa!”, again.

(Severe time signature change a la Rush)

(Robert Fripp-style minor chord guitar sequence)

(SUNG) The lady goats all ran away

                  All that grass! I made out OK

                  My jaws were a-chompin’

                  My hooves were a-stompin’

                  I nodded in self-assured approval—

                  This scapegoat needs no removal!

                  “BaaBaa!”, I bleated. “BaaBaa!”, again.

(Chris Squire-style rhythm bass guitar solo: Think of “The Fish” by Yes)

(SUNG) I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am

                  I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am

                  Slated for removal and star-crossed

                  Will I ever learn the witch’s cost?

                  I’m way better than Eminem

                  I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am!

(Primal, churning drum solo. Neil Peart meets John Bonham meets Bill Bruford)

(More Robert Fripp jazz-metal minor chord sequences)

(Yet another dramatic time signature change)

(SUNG)       Y’all know that sneaky witch I’m talking about?

                  She said her tarot cards cast my life in doubt.

                 She turned me into a cloven-hooved outcast

                  That’s why all the other goats run away so fast

                   “You’re a crazy freak destined to doom

                  With your death the other goats shall bloom.”

                   “BaaBaa!” I bleated. “BaaBaa!”, again.

(More generalized twanging and tuning. You get the idea.)

(SUNG) I chomped up all of that grass on the dell

                   Completely unaware of the shadow that fell

                   Swooped up by a gryphon, bitten through the neck

                   I guess my dessert will need a rain check

                   Churning through the gryphon’s digestive tract

                   My demise is a happily celebrated fact

                   “BaaBaa!” I bleated. “BaaBaa!”, again.

(Cliched prog-rock musical crescendo)

(SUNG) I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am!

                    I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am!

                    Slated for removal and star-crossed

                    Will I ever learn the witch’s cost?

                    I’m way better than Eminem

                    I’m the 123scapegoat, yes I am!

(Rick Wakeman style keyboards. Mercifully fades out.)

                                   —THE END—

                                     Thank God